Children: The Definitive Study by a Childless 22-Year-Old

Having worked in child care for almost six weeks, I feel immensely qualified to publish my findings on the subject of children.

The First Question

Children: Are they worth it?

This is a difficult query. Obviously, we must have children in order to replenish the population. But beyond this practical reason, are children worth it? What do they contribute to society?

Children require an awful lot of attention, especially in the first few years. They sleep, eat, cry, eat, cry, sleep and eat. And all of this must be arranged and supervised by the caregiver, as children cannot walk, feed themselves, talk, read, or work. Often, they are unable to sit quietly and amuse themselves. Instead, they depend on a caregiver to provide the entertainment. Does anyone sit in front of you for hours at a time making funny faces and strange noises? No. So I am not sure why babies are entitled to that sort of attention. Colts are born knowing how to run, and monkey babies can cling to their mothers. What can human babies do? Indeed, human children seem to have been left out of the evolutionary process. I would hate to be in the wild with a human child. His or her inexplicable, piercing cries would inevitably attract predators, and I would not be able to depend on the child for assistance of any kind as we tried to survive. A baby cannot perform sentry duty, or forage for berries, or start a fire. And what if a carnivorous beast attacked during the child's afternoon nap? The baby would be cranky for the rest of the day.

But children are certainly capable of producing vast amounts of bodily fluids. Such copious amounts of spit, tears, urine, and other even more unsavory fluids seem totally disproportionate to their body size. They are fluid factories. But what they produce is essentially valueless in the marketplace.

Thus, children do not produce anything that can bring in revenue. They are definitely able, however, to spend money. They grow and grow, requiring new clothes for them every few months. They eat a great deal, and much of their diet, especially the young ones', is special. No simple bread or other affordable, easily available victuals for them! Oh no! They must have special "formulas," (as though they are robots depending on precise mathematical and chemical compounds), mixes, and miniature versions of adult foods that have been mashed and strained and pulped. The expense of such eating habits boggles the mind! And I shall not even go into diapers. I have seen enough of diapers...

Not only do children avoid contributing to the economy, which is inexcusable especially in this climate, but they seem to enjoy flouting society's rules. They see a book, but instead of reading it they chew on the cover. They see a hairbrush, but instead of using it to fix their hair they suck on the handle. Indeed, almost everything ends up in their mouths. Children don't seem to notice when they get things dirty, and their standards of personal hygiene are atrocious. Rather than follow polite society, they strike out on their own as though they are mini-barbarians. For instance, they have a perfectly good bathroom inside, but they prefer urinating outside (boys only). Fingers are preferable to silverware, and napkins are an annoyance instead of a useful tool. Rather than settling things with words, they use their tiny, tiny fists or their (unnaturally) loud, shrill voices. In short, they act very childishly. This, it seems to me, is unacceptable. I don't know why so many people put up with it.

(I myself was a model child. A small adult, really. Except for that projectile vomiting. But nobody is perfect. And my parents didn't even really like those rugs.)

Having demonstrated the expense monetarily and temporally of children, here is my advice for raising the creatures.

Children: How To Raise Them*

There is no reason why having a child should interfere with your life. But how can I keep my progeny from altering my lifestyle, you may ask? By following these simple rules.

First, use television! It was invented for a reason. Set your children in front of the TV early and often. Their eyes will fix on the screen, their mouths will fall open, their bodies will be still, and there will be silence. Blessed silence. Except for the television show, of course. Think of all of the things that you can do during the seven or eight hours when your children are hypnotized by the wonder that is television!

Second, schedule naptime. Hours and hours of naptime. And send your children to bed early. Four or five in the evening should do it. If you are not a morning person, make sure your children sleep late. If they are early birds, perhaps lock their door so that they cannot bug you until you have gotten your twelve hours of beauty sleep. Planned correctly, your children will spend most of the day asleep, and the rest of the day watching television, leaving you with lots of free time.

Third, make sure their activities and hobbies are really your activities and hobbies. If they like what you like then everyone will be happier. For instance, only let them watch television shows or movies that you also find entertaining. Do the same with music. This way, when they are watching their daily eight hours of TV or listening to music on the way to the store to get a bigger TV, what is playing on the set and the radio will be enjoyable for you as well as for them. Nothing is more annoying than having to watch a TV show that you don't love. I cannot stress this enough. Children like repetition. So don't let them form attachments to things that you do not like. If you do, you will have to see/hear it over and over and over. Similarly, only let them play with toys/friends that you like. Make it about you, and raising your children will be much more pleasant.

If you follow my advice, your children will only be awake and not focused on the TV for minutes out of every day. And you can get on with your life.**

*with the least inconvenience to yourself

**This is all in jest. Well, almost all...